last

Its been a long time since I’ve bothered to update this blog. Perhaps it’s due to an emptiness of soul. I’ve had numerous confusion and discrepancies in my thoughts and actions since. It has been slightly more than 9 months but the feelings are still the same. I know I haven’t been praying dutifully about it and definitely deserved my state of confusion.  This is the entry to kill this blog.

Now taking the train from Sydney to Melbourne gave me plenty of time to think and sort out my mind. Yet it remains in disarray. Everyone reminds me consistently that taking the budget flight is cheaper and faster and would allow me more time to explore Melbourne. I know that already. But being on this train gives me time. Something which I have been depriving myself of. To slow things down so I can communicate with my heart again. Being able to eat my food slowly even though hot food is the best and the weather cools the food fast. The train stopping so that stray sheep which got on the track can be carried off. The sprawling grasslands with beautiful animals grazing on them. A sense of peace I cannot get on a plane.

Don’t get me wrong. This is absolutely a killer ride for me. Being alone and silent on a train for 12 hours. This is fear no. 3 for me. The constant silence of the mind is supposed to lead to sanctity but instead leads to anxiety. It is only eased by the peaceful sounds of lullabies by the Chemical Brothers. Any other song would fan the already violent waves of emotion. The lack of companionship is something which has dogged me always. I think I’m seeking someone who in formal situations make me feel good because I want to make them feel good, and someone who will go as wild as me when I normally am my crazy self. But then, who doesn’t want someone complimentary. I find myself stupid wishing for something like this. I know it takes 2 to build a relationship. It is all about accepting flaws and working on strengths. I know the lesson content but have yet to accept the knowledge. Perhaps, that is reason I need to stay wild. The adrenaline suppresses the fear, or at least it masks it temporarily.

My mind is still a mess but now on this train, I have a chance at clarity. I started this blog for all the wrong reasons if there was any reason in the first place. Now I want to end it off on the right note. The direction I seek cannot be found in this blog. It may be wiser to keep some thoughts personal and never exposed. But the feeling of not being able to share joys and sorrows is excruciating. I feel like I have regressed to days solitude. But it is probably there I can find direction and guidance from the one above.