last

Its been a long time since I’ve bothered to update this blog. Perhaps it’s due to an emptiness of soul. I’ve had numerous confusion and discrepancies in my thoughts and actions since. It has been slightly more than 9 months but the feelings are still the same. I know I haven’t been praying dutifully about it and definitely deserved my state of confusion.  This is the entry to kill this blog.

Now taking the train from Sydney to Melbourne gave me plenty of time to think and sort out my mind. Yet it remains in disarray. Everyone reminds me consistently that taking the budget flight is cheaper and faster and would allow me more time to explore Melbourne. I know that already. But being on this train gives me time. Something which I have been depriving myself of. To slow things down so I can communicate with my heart again. Being able to eat my food slowly even though hot food is the best and the weather cools the food fast. The train stopping so that stray sheep which got on the track can be carried off. The sprawling grasslands with beautiful animals grazing on them. A sense of peace I cannot get on a plane.

Don’t get me wrong. This is absolutely a killer ride for me. Being alone and silent on a train for 12 hours. This is fear no. 3 for me. The constant silence of the mind is supposed to lead to sanctity but instead leads to anxiety. It is only eased by the peaceful sounds of lullabies by the Chemical Brothers. Any other song would fan the already violent waves of emotion. The lack of companionship is something which has dogged me always. I think I’m seeking someone who in formal situations make me feel good because I want to make them feel good, and someone who will go as wild as me when I normally am my crazy self. But then, who doesn’t want someone complimentary. I find myself stupid wishing for something like this. I know it takes 2 to build a relationship. It is all about accepting flaws and working on strengths. I know the lesson content but have yet to accept the knowledge. Perhaps, that is reason I need to stay wild. The adrenaline suppresses the fear, or at least it masks it temporarily.

My mind is still a mess but now on this train, I have a chance at clarity. I started this blog for all the wrong reasons if there was any reason in the first place. Now I want to end it off on the right note. The direction I seek cannot be found in this blog. It may be wiser to keep some thoughts personal and never exposed. But the feeling of not being able to share joys and sorrows is excruciating. I feel like I have regressed to days solitude. But it is probably there I can find direction and guidance from the one above.

 

My Testimony

I don't really have an exciting testimony, but I've decided to finally put it down to words.

I wasn't born into a christian family, contrary to what most people believe. Yes, I'm your so called 1st generation christian (another story for another day). I was brought to church with my family about age 7. Went through baptism, said the sinner's prayer as a kid. No clue what I was doing. Had friends that I could meet every sunday and play soccer with. Would a kid say no to going to church?

Grew into the teenage years, somehow rose to become a cell leader (more likely due to worldy leadership skills rather than spiritual maturity). Well, if you were to lead cell like leading a group of friends in a project, it may not be that hard. That was one side of me. Another side goes on with dreams of violence. Got into a few fights outside with and against people I don't know. Not many people know because its just a few. But these were the things that excited me. Still went to church on sundays, the friendship was and is still there. Mould my character on the reliance of friends, or should I say brotherhood.

Sports sort of took over when I entered JC. Soccer, canoeing, dragonboating and cycling became the most exciting things. Totally gave up on studying most of the time. Grades were poor but not end of the world yet. Had tough times at church during these years. No interest.
NS days were filled with disappointment. Never quite as fit as the rest. It was one thing to have good leadership skills but another when you struggled through the most basic physical tests. Outfield was fun on hindsight though. If there was soccer on sunday or duty on saturday stretching to sunday, skip church. No interest.
However, 2 things happened during these 4 and 1/2 years. I nearly died twice. 1st was when I crashed into the side railing of the road down Mt Faber. Going really fast and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor with my bike strewn across the road in pieces. I still believe I was hit from behind. I will never know. The 2nd was during an AI exercise overseas. As I was exiting the turret to join up with the rest of my platoon, my VC moved the turret before I could exit. My body was caught between the turret. If not for the SBO, my kicking at his legs and my runner screaming at the VC, turning the turret more might mean I'd be split in 2. The blue-blacks were there and the pain unforgettable, but the assault went on and I never really confronted him.

Still there wasn't much interest in christianity. It was only when I could not get into any tertiary institution and had to appeal to get into NYP health science faculty that God really spoke to me. He showed me that he had saved me for a reason. He made me realise my foolishness in my past pursuits. They were all fruitless. No matter how hard I thought I tried to get into a U to get a "better" future, I was never getting into them. He told me to rely on him and he will sort things out. I ended up in NYP on appeal thanks to my father's friend who happened to drink coffee at the same time we were waiting to appeal.

I've never looked back since. Soccer on sunday mornings take a second priority now, if not non-existant. My life is getting back on track. I try my mortal best to rely on him, but bad habits die hard. He is kind and will send timely reminders. I still have a lot of resentment to things but I thank God he listens and has offered to sort out my problems. I only hope I can do better in building my relationship with him. I would have to overcome laziness for that. But he will help.

Maturity maybe just pessimism and reluctance disguised under intelligent comments

You know as you grow up, adults will flock around certain young people and start ranting on non-stop about how mature he or she is for her age, being able to look after their siblings, understanding the adult's point of view, etc etc.  Are they really mature? Or are they actually just avoiding the issue totally? Who decides on maturity?

Some adults think when a youth agrees with their point of view, the kiddo must be damn mature. Possibly, the adult could be the immature one in the first place. Human nature dictates that we care for ourselves first. We were all born selfish. Only few have made it crossed the line into selflessness.

Some adults also have the mentality that if a kid can see the negatives like they do, maturity abounds within. How many people actually joyfully pick up other people's job/responsibilities or should I say, mess? Most jump to the quick conclusion that it's not my problem, why should I do so? Shouldn't they do their job? I've done my part. The next part of this is when they start picking out the negatives by highlighting their positives. Since I did my job well, the other guy is just lazy or useless. They don't know how to do such a simple job.

When a kid starting yakking away at how things should be done, how he would do so if he was responsible, how things are just unfair and yet does totally nothing to help the situation. Think twice, thrice before the "M" word goes into your train of thought.

Technologically challenged

Thank you to those who have come and read through my thoughts. I never thought anyone would come to visit. I just aired some of my thoughts, safe ones of course. However, I have not been able to post any new ones until now. Posts will become rare. You see, recently, technology has decided to collapse all around me. First my desktop gave up. Then, just as the revived laptop started to be showing signs of good health, it gave up. I have since reverted back to surfing the net with my ipod. That can only be described as surfing for the basics and nothing more.I had alot of lost posts/ideas that probably may not ever surface. That is the price I paid when technology got the better of finance.

Ha ha. I talk as if a lot of people visit this blog. As if.

Pursuit of emptiness

Recently, I have been introduced to many concepts of filling up my free time. It is very true that my cup is currently half filled and I wish to fill it to the max. I have only 1 mortal life so why live it half empty. My anxiety over potential future events have caused my eyes to stray and given me plenty sleepless nights. My insomnia is filled with questions over the same things. How to fill the cup?

But I cannot bring my self to fill up my cup with just about anything. Filling it up with honey will make the drink sweet. Filling it up with cereals will make my stomach feel good and full. There are so many options but my stomach is at odds as to which will make it happy. While it is tempting to drink coke, it may not be the wisest idea.

At the end of the day, I do not want to be left empty.If I keep procrastinating and not wanting to fill the cup, it will forever be empty. When will that time be? I've been known to delay my purchases until the word purchase becomes invalid. I cannot let that be the norm.

Evil: an idle mind

Why do I say an idle mind is the most evil of evils? Well, simply a mind that is not used is easily infiltrated. Infiltrated with what? Infiltrated with thoughts, perceptions, deceptions and illusions. No one can truly say at any point of time when being questioned that they have nothing on their minds. The fact that they can produce an answer is fact enough that the mind is thinking of how to answer that question.

When we begin to stop thinking for ourselves and let others (including non-human objects) think for us, our idle minds become the subject of another's stronger sense of will. We lose reasoning and not mind for our own well-being. If the other party is so convincing that they have more power over your life than you, than you have become a slave. Why be a slave? We were not made to fear anything but God alone. How can another man create fear in a fellow man? We were created the same. Almost, bearing some size issues.

When man begin to believe that they have power over other men and that the only way to maintain power is by stamping their authority, that is when their downfall truly begins. Has there ever been a dictator who has lived while having complete control over his dominions? None yet. Even the most powerful of dictators have to give in at least 1 other person. So I say never fear authority, but respect authority. Seniority deserves their respect. They have experience on their side, no doubting. But when decisions become illogical, question them. Do not blindly follow or worse, give in due to fear. We have no reason to fear another human being. I speak softly because I respect you not because I fear you. If you want, I could always shout back when you shout at me. But would that solve anyone's problem? Your guess is as good as mine.

Technology has a life

Have not been able to put up much posts recently. Technology has gotten the better of man temporarily in my household. Many thoughts were lost in the process. Have been fighting a war to just get the guy to just stay on for a few minutes. In the end, reformatting it was the only option. At least now it can stay on for more than a few minutes.
The bugger is still in its terminal stages and can suffer a heart attack anytime. Its solo-core 2.8gHz can still outrun most notebooks but it can run forever. The sprinter tires out and with its poor heart, it creates an eerie sound coming from a blue or worse, black screen. It knows the new guys are fitter, not necessarily faster, but definitely better equiped to do the job. It wants to give in and die but the doctor keeps reviving it. It still cramps up every now and then. How long more will it run?